i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
