You're so nebulous sometimes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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