I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
