I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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