my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
