Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
