i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
