turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
