The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
