i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
