im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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