Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
