i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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