I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
