made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
