Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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