You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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