I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
