and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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