I am full of burrito and curiosity
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
