I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
