He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
