he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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