In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
