There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
