i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
