I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
