i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
