apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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