We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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