He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
