i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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