You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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