i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
