Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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