I'm eating all of the evidence.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
