I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
