Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
