new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
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