Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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