My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
