I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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