Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
