Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
