Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
