That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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