What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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