Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
