My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
