she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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