I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
