Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
