I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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