Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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