new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
