Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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