i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
