I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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