I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
