Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Watching her eat just hurts me
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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