do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
